


I’m sorry ( how could I do this to you)

by hala_macaron



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: All the amazing artist with their angsty AUs are my inspiration for this, Angst, Crying, Doubts of self worth, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I am sorry that this is short, Insecure Crowley ( Good Omens), Looooots of crying, M/M, Mature because of the suicidal thoughts, Suicidal Thoughts, but lmao i gotta sleep, falling, hehehehehehe, ineffable husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 12:36:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20582612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hala_macaron/pseuds/hala_macaron
Summary: Aziraphale fell. It is entirely Crowley’s fault, or so he thinks.





	I’m sorry ( how could I do this to you)

**Author's Note:**

> I’m back with another ineffable husbands one shot, tadaaa. Did you miss me? I got inspired reading a comic panel by Millerzo.art on Instagram. Their art is amazing, definitely check them out if you’ve got the time!

Crowley slammed the door to his apartment shut. This in itself was highly unusual, because normally the demon simply snapped his fingers to make it close with a very nice, quiet click. As much as Crowley was prone to dramatics, he didn’t want to unnecessarily alert any neighbours of his presence. He quite preferred the solitude ( apart from when he met with Aziraphale every day). This time however, he didn’t even think about how he didn’t want to make anyone know of his presence. No. 

This time, his mind was reeling, practically trying to tear itself to shreds, not caring if it would be able to build itself up again. It felt like he needed to throw up, a constantly rising and dropping pressure in his stomach that made his insides twist. They felt like thorns against his skin, as if he had been dragging himself through a bush of roses. He couldn’t decide if his apartment was too hot or too cold, if he was sweating or shivering. Stealing a glance down at his hands, he realised he was shaking uncontrollably. 

His knees felt like jelly, and he only stopped walking when we bumped into his kitchen island. How had he crossed his apartment this fast? No matter, that wasn’t important. But what was anymore? He’d fucked up. He’d _royally _fucked up. And this time, absolutely nothing could be repaired. Anthony J Crowley had single handily destroyed everything he ever held dear, and not even a miracle, neither angelic nor demonic, could ever **hope** to repair any of it. 

“ Tch” The demon hissed, gripping his hair and clenching his eyes shut, slowly spinning in circles. _Nonononononono_. This wasn’t…this, this was horrible, this was the end, of- well maybe not of _the _world but damnit it was the end of **his world.** This couldn’t happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. _THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. _

The principality Aziraphale aka Ezra Fell, who owned a bookshop in SoHo that welcomed readers but got rid of customers quicker than the Flash could run, was _not supposed to fall_. 

Then again, the angel had never been supposed to get to know Crowley either. He had never been supposed to talk to Crowley, he had never been supposed to get drinks and food with him, and he certainly had never been supposed to avert the bloody apocalypse. But he did. And now news were making the rounds that Aziraphale had fallen. And it was nobody’s fault but Crowleys. 

_Crowley _had been the one to make small talk at the walls of Eden, _Crowley _repeatedly invited Aziraphale to lunch or breakfast or dinner or simply just a chat and a few drinks. _Crowley _had been the one to convince him to thwart and avert the end of days, nights and everything remotely…earthy. Without him, Aziraphale would have followed God’s plan like a loyal little angel. Without Crowley, Aziraphale would not have been cast out of his home, out of heaven. Being an angel had never suited anyone better than Aziraphale, and his angel never deserve to fall. 

His angel didn’t deserve the darkness, the burning of your back and of your wings as they slowly turned from white to black. That burn that was colder than any ice she ever had created, yet burned hotter and more painful than hellfire ever could. Crowley remembered it well. The light that suddenly had been taken from him, as he plunged backwards into darkness, unable to grasp at the fading light, at the _love_ that was suddenly so out of his reach. Slamming into sulphur, screaming your lungs out as you slowly felt the same burn of your wings stretch and claw its way into your soul, tearing at your grace and mauling it, corrupting it and turning it - undoubtedly - as black as your wings now were. 

“ Ngk…oh God, oh Satan, oh no…angel what,” he hiccuped, clawing at his chest to try and ease the pain that seemed to put the pressure of a thousand stars on his heart, tears running down his cheeks. He tried to breathe, tried to inhale oxygen his body didn’t have any need for, but found that he couldn’t breathe. He tried his voice, but the words he had wanted to whisper came out as a shriek, full of despair and fear. “ _Angel what have I DONE TO YOU?!_” 

The pressure didn’t ease, and he still couldn’t breathe. Whatever it was probably made it difficult to breathe, so maybe he should try and get it out. He would be able to breathe better, if he got rid of it. 

“ Angel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…I didn’t mean to make you fall! I never wanted that pain for you, you should have never felt that. I know how much you loved bring an angel, how much you adored helping anyone and everyone around you.” He didn’t notice his shrieks dying down to sobs between desperate attempts to breathe. “ I never wanted to ruin that for you. I, I should have kept away, right? When, when you said that I go too fast for you, I should have left it at that.” 

Crowley started to chuckle weakly, golden eyes unfocused behind his dark glasses. He’d long stopped being aware of anything but his own body, and even that seemed like he was looking at it through a wall of water. He definitely hadn’t noticed his plants shaking as if he’d promised to throw them all into the shredder, and neither had he noticed his angel standing a few feet away from him for five minutes now, blue eyes wide. Aziraphale had been calling Crowley’s name for a while now, but his poor demon seemed positively out of it, rambling on and on. 

“ But I, I loved you too much, I still love you too much to let you go, to do what was best for you. And look where it lead you, what I did to you. You falling…it’s my fault and I should never have been so selfish and corrupted you like that. Heh, guess I’m a better demon than I thought, not even removing myself if it’s the best for the only person I’ll ever love, just because I don’t want to lose them. Pathetic, isn’t it? I should have just swallowed the holy water when you gave it to me, downed the whole thing in one go and call it a day.” 

_What?_

Aziraphale’s brows knitted together, fear creeping up at him. Crowley surely couldn’t think that what had happened to Aziraphale was his doing? His _fault?!_ Aziraphale would dread an existence without his demon above all else, and at least heaven was completely off their backs now. So why was Crowley thinking these horrid things, believing them, _speaking them into existence_? 

“ In fact I still should. I can’t trust myself to keep away from you, angel, but I know I’m probably the last person you’d ever want to see again. I can still break into a church…I can still fix things, maybe they’ll, they’ll let you back, right? They have to…once I’m gon…” Crowley didn’t get to finish that sentence, his arms being gripped hard, sunglasses wrenched from his face in a not completely pain free way. Said glasses were thrown against the wall with such ferocity that they shattered. 

Forcing Crowley’s chin up, furious blue eyes raked over the tear stained face, coming to rest on the gorgeous golden pools of his demon, who slowly started to look more conscious of his surroundings, and most of all Aziraphale. “ Zira?” 

“ Don’t you dare.” Whereas Crowley’s voice was weak from crying and probably the pressure of his own emotions, Aziraphale’s was cold with fury, deep and rough, perfectly masking his fear in a tone that demanded obedience. Good. Right now, he wanted Crowley to obey. He wanted Crowley to listen. 

“ My dear boy, you will listen to me right now. My fall was not your fault. My fall, Crowley, had nothing to do with you. I would rather see the whole blasted world in shambles, ashes and pieces than never be able to talk to you again. Love is never a selfish act, my dearest. Do you hear me? You are not selfish for loving me, just as I did not fall for loving you.” 

The demon before him seemed dazed, knees buckling. If not for Aziraphale’s grip, he would have toppled over. Said angel continued with more urgency, never giving his ever glowing star the opportunity to look away from him. He needed him to see how sincere he was. Crowley needed to believe him. Aziraphale couldn’t lose him. He’d father pick a fight with the almighty herself before he let that happen. 

“ You love me…” 

“ Yes! Yes you blasted idiot, I love you more than anything else. You are my world, my dearheart and everything I could ever need. Anthony J Crowley, I don’t want to go on without you. And don’t even think of going and touching holy water. Because wherever you do, I will follow you. But please don’t leave me, please don’t do this to me, to us, my love. Alpha centauri can’t be complete with just one star.” 

The white haired ex angel knew he sounded desperate, but he needed Crowley to emerge from whatever mess his mind had led him. It worked, because after a few excruciating moments of staring at each other, Crowley snapped out of it, strength draining and collapsing into Aziraphale’s arms. They tumbled onto the ground in a heap of limbs, Aziraphale trying to bury Crowley into him, shielding him and holding as much of him as he could. Neither of them spoke for a while. 

—————————-

Night had passed, and they hadn’t moved. At one point, Aziraphale had let his wings out, not white anymore, but not quite black either. They were more of a navy colour, shimmering blue when the light hit them just right. Crowley smiled at that. His angel couldn’t pull black off anyways. Said angel noticed, of course. 

“ Are you back with me, my love?” 

“ Yeah, angel, I’m back. And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you, I…”

” Hush, love, no apologies. I’m more than glad that you’re here with me. And I will always worry about you, just like you always worry about me. I’ve got you darling, always and forever. The Almighty herself couldn’t touch you now, I’m not letting any of them hurt you, not now, not ever. But please don’t leave me, my love, my star. Don’t go where I’m not sure I can find you. _Please _Crowley.” Aziraphale whispered, a few tears slipping down his cheeks. 

Crowley sniffled, smiling and intertwining their hands, gaze strong and determined, full of love. His forehead touched Aziraphale’s, as he whispered his own promise back, black wings touching the navy one’s of his soulmate, his angel.

“ Never, angel. It would take much more than any of them got to make me leave you now.”

Heaven and hell would learn soon enough not to mess with the two demons that got married a few years later, a witch holding the ceremony. Archangel Gabriel especially would keep away after a rather nasty and embarrassing experience involving him trying to smite a demon, and being discorporated by a snake who bit him with such rage, hell would have cowered like a kitten. 


End file.
